BREAKING NEWS: "A massive military parade planned in Washington next month will cost an estimated $25 million to $45 million and will involve dozens of war planes, hundreds of Army vehicles and thousands of soldiers from across the country... will be held June 14th, the day of President Trump's 79th birthday." The Washington Post, May 15, 2025
NEWER BREAKING NEWS: "The Arlington Cemetery Office announced a massive counter-parade of military ghosts killed in World War 2, Vietnam and Iraq. This will involve thousands of uniformed corpses, downed jets with pilots still in them, burning tanks, and untold mobs of enemy soldiers and civilian casualties holding signs in dead languages. This counter-parade will use its supernatural status to shadow the live soldiers, new jets and Army vehicles in the planned parade on June 14th." Arlington News, May 16, 2025
ADVICE TO THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF FROM A TWO-TIME KING
As a two-time King, once the Monarch of the Krewe de Vieux, and the Krewe de Jieux, I have practical advice for Donald Trump, the would-be King of America and her Gulf. This Gulf borders my Kingdom of New Orleans, so this is invaluable advice for upcoming royalty:
NOTE: YOU MUST TAKE THESE MEASURES BEFORE THE PLANNED PARADES on June 14 2025!
1. Drown your enemies (this activity can be ceremonial and provide mass entertainment: the victims should be made to kneel by newly named bodies of water and asked to call them by their new names, The Gulf of America, for instance. If they refuse, like certain map makers, they will be drowned. If they succumb and respond with the correct names, they will in turn get to drown the next wave of misnamers) This spectacle will leave you with the best and most beautiful loyal population.
2. Be sure to erase everybody's memory and replace it with a history that leads inevitably to the triumph and glory of your reign. Until very recently, this was the most difficult undertaking for monarchs, but now with the advent of Artificial Intelligence, it's a synch. Still, even with the AI rewriting records and rewiring brains, some perilous remnants can escape. Immigrant children born, for instance, in a land you don't own, could sneak into Washington DC to disrupt the parade with stories they heard from grandparents.
(The obvious solution in the next three weeks is to occupy these lands and eradicate the carriers of fairy tales and metaphors. Have Musk train his AIs for the detection of artful tricks, especially poetry and visuals. Do not underestimate your closest staff or relations: some of them are apt to dabble in the dark arts above.)
The long-term solution to snuff out protests is to simply not allow these story-carrying children to be born. This may take too long, and flagrantly contradict your abortion ban, but necessity is the mother of your peace of mind. You have already taken a good first step by denying birth-citizenship in America, but this could be a long-term exception: make abortion mandatory for women who traveled abroad and may be carrying future citizens. This is not difficult: simultaneously banning abortion and travel abroad to areas liable to harbor adverse history, fairy tales and metaphors, was done successfully in the past by communist kings.
3. Use all your snitches and devices to read the thoughts of your subjects. This is a fait-accompli thanks to iPhones and similar devices that are now alerting authorities of everything their owners do or say. When the bots recognize snitches they should immediately eliminate them.
(In the future, snitch detectors should never be allowed to exceed their tasks by gaining self-consciousness, which might cause them to think and thus self-destruct. Thinking is a devilish activity: all thoughts are by-default subversive, with one exception, which is MONEY. Thinking about the MONEY is encouraged, though even money-thinking could be subversive if it does not keep Your Majesty in mind: the flow of money-thought must include depositing it in the Royal Treasury. Small amounts can be withdrawn by your subjects for nourishing pills and muscle-building. In any case, there should not be any Overthinking, not even about MONEY.)
4. These are more urgent tasks to accomplish before June 14. Enemies left after the application of the above sanitary measure, will be few, but I will mention some: any protester who says, when removed, "My phone died," should be instantly silenced. "My phone died" is code for such a person to communicate with the ghosts of their family members killed in wars who are part of the counter-parade. The young above all must be closely watched for this phrase, because "My phone died" is the contemporary version of Bartleby's "I prefer not to!" What these youth prefer or not to, cannot be excused by claiming, "My phone died." What they are doing is contacting the dead. When caught, these people should have a phone that cannot be turned off, inserted in their brains.
5. Finally, a cosmetic advice for your upcoming Birthday Military parade and the Arlington Cemetery counterparade. Before the tanks and missiles tear the asphalt of the badly paved socialist roads of DC, the White House should retain the services of voodoo doctors, astrologers, necromancers, bibliomancers, and entrail seers. A brigade of several thousand psychics may be able to prevent the dead veterans and their equipment from clashing with Pete Hegseths forces. These, along with civilian legions of South Afrikan refugees, Proud Boys with Tiki torches, folk-costumed minorities with MAGA caps and patriotic tattoos ("Death Before Truth"," "MOM"), graduates of Witness Protection programs, pardoned sexual traffickers, forgiven plunderers, the Freedom To Steal special force, and many other beneficiaries of Your Magnificence, should be able to keep the Arlington Cemetery counterparade at bay.
Take it from a two-time King in New Orleans, America's favorite playground for ghosts.
Oh, and be sure to shower the spectators with millions of faux-Trump coins and paper models of the new Qatar Air Force One. That too might keep them in line!
Hail to the Chief!
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